June 2006 - Volume 10, Issue 11

Children's Bloopers And Other Funny Tales

By Msgr. Frank Wissel

Truly out of the mouths of babes comes farina. Children are creative and as we know they are seldom wrong unless we insist on it. So instead of being wrong the following illustrates how creative they can be.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah's wife was Joan of Arc. Noah built an arc and the animals came in pears
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
• Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebal like Delina. Samson killed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
• Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert.
• Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Ada to eat the apple.
• The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and obey him.
• David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing a liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise men from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraception.
• St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
• Jesus gave us the golden rule, which says, "Do unto others before they do unto you." He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."
• The people who followed the Lord are called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taxi man.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity; he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

From the adult world, don't we all relate to this one: Michael O'Malley was driving down the street very anxious because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. O'Malley looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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