February 2001, Volume 6, Issue 7   
Rev. Mark Connolly
Cultivating Friendships
Rev. Mark Connolly
Thought for the Month
Henry Van Dyke
Rev. Raymond K. Petrucci
Saint of the Month
Catholic Corner
The Chair of Peter
Joseph Marcello
Love Letters

Rev. Mark Connolly

We must grow a little each day or we die a little bit each day. Our growing up is done when we fully accept ourselves with all our limitations and become determined to live with ourselves and our failures.

One of the most powerful factors in personality development is the word that we call love. It is the dynamizing principle that enables us to grow in love as Christ wanted us to grow. And because of that growth there is given to each one of us a greater degree of peace. Holiness not only enables us to grow up in the things of wisdom and grace before God and man, but also enables us to have a degree of sanity that so many people lack.

A great number of definitions have been given throughout the passage of time concerning friendship. Cicero defined friendship as an agreement in things sacred and profane, accompanied by good will and love. St. Alfred when talking about friendship once said that there really can be no true friendship between Christians unless Christ comes in to make a third.

Friendship is often misunderstood and mistaken for something else. All of us throughout the course of life have many associates and companions, but truly very few friends. We are called to meet many people, but so often both parties decide that a friendship is not possible. Our Lord summed it up when he said, "Many are called, but few are chosen." The demands of friendship are so many that few people can really pay them. Friendship is a costly but rewarding personality venture and experience.

Friendships are very similar to the sacraments. In fact, in one sense you can call friendship a sacrament. It is an outward sign instituted by Christ and does give grace to those who have cultivated the friendship. A person never cultivates a friendship just because it will be to his advantage. They are not entered into just for the sake of what we can get. Nor is it entered to just ward off the loneliness and boredom that so many people have. Friendship is only for those who believe that they do have something worth revealing to a friend that there is an intrinsic value in them which others ought to find attractive. The trouble with most human friendships is that one, or usually both, of the partners really are not convinced that they have anything to offer.

Henry Adams when writing about friendship once said, "to have one friend in life is much, two are rare and three are hardly possible." In order to make sure that we don't confuse friends with acquaintances, or friends with associates, friendship has to be considered as something of deep personal value to you and to the one who is the object of your friendship. And so to make sure that our understanding of friendship is as deep as it should be, I would like you to consider friendship as a challenge to your personality development, as an experience that will enable you to grow and as a factor that will increase your sanity and sanctity.

When you decided that this person is to be your friend and that person decides the same about you, a process has developed that will profoundly change both personalities. It is the process of sensitivity. You have, from that moment onwards, cast your lot and life into a new venture. The person who offers his friendship to you is saying, "let us trust one another; there is nothing to be afraid of in my personality." That is the basis of your friendship. You, who accept that offer of friendship, must accept, must forget your own personal fears and hangups and have the same feeling of sensitivity toward the person who is to be your friend. Each one, aware and sensitive to the faults of another, accepts what is given with complete trust. In the developing of every friendship there is always fear on the part of each one. Will I be hurt? Will I be let down? Will I be disappointed or disillusioned? This risk is always there. It has to be taken. And the risk that is in the challenge of a friendship is perhaps the most demanding risk of all. Friendship or the developing of friendships is the greatest risk your personality can take. The reward that you experience from the risk you take is and can be the greatest reward two human beings can experience. This is the challenge that has to be met if we wish to cultivate solid friendships.

It is for better or worse a maturing experience. The experience of a friendship is, next to marriage, the closest union that two people can have. Every friendship that you have with another man or woman is going to enrich your own relationship with your spouse. You receive the ideas, the thoughts, the values, the principles of another. If these thoughts enrich you then they enrich those who are near and dear to you. Each person puts his life, his temperament, for better or worse, on a sacrificial block. The two parties who are developing this friendship can say, "I will offer you my personality, my disposition, my temperament. I will put myself at your service. I will not hide nor shirk. My faith in you is so great that I am putting myself in your complete trust." If you have read the background for the opera Nabucco, you might recall the scene where the faithful servant is leaving his master. Here they were as close as two humans could be. The slave, on being sent into exile says, "I leave you, but I shall never be absent." The master turns to him and says, "we shall be separated, but we shall never be apart." And then the chorus takes up the beautiful Hebrew slave song as the people are sent into exile. Any person who is fortunate enough to have a solid friendship knows that the thoughts that exist between personalities will enrich the minds of each one, will enhance his outlook, will stimulate each other's thinking. Instead of hurting a marriage, it enriches the partner in the marriage. A true friendship is an asset to a happy marriage. It is not intended to be a substitute for an unhappy marriage. If there is fear present, then it really is not a genuine friendship.

When you offer yourself to one whose friendship you are trying to cultivate, what you say is something like this: I promise that the good that is in me will become better because of our relationship. As the terror and fear disappears, the promise of a friendship can grow and grow. Developing a friendship is like going on a long voyage that has never been charted before. It teaches you to have confidence in another. It enables you to have a sense of trust in another. In this relationship there is a sense of hope, a sense of expectation, a sense of adventure, a sense of joy. Each one is saying to the other, I promise from this day forward to be myself, to have you find me with all my limitations. When people know that they can be at ease with another, they have a definite degree of peace. When they know that someone does care and is concerned, they can realize the powerful words of Christ - love one another as I have loved you.

Friendship must be understood in these terms. First, it is a challenge to your personality. Second, it is an experience that will enable you to grow. Third, a solid friendship is a help to sanity and sanctity.


copyright 2001 Clemons Productions Inc. and the Diocese of Bridgeport
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