January 2006 - Volume 10, Issue 6
The Ability To Laugh At Ourselves
It doesn't take a genius to know that life is filled with both joys and pains. For some more than others. It's very difficult these days to sit back and want to reflect upon ourselves and know that we have the ability to laugh at ourselves. When we don't, I'm sure God does.
In this Opinion piece I would like to share with you two humorous topics, "No-Excuse Sunday" and "A Catholic Dictionary." Although both are specifically Catholic, I'm certain other denominations will relate to them.
In order to make it possible for everyone to attend church, we are planning a special no-excuse Sunday:
Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, "Sunday is my only day for sleeping in."
Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from watching TV too late on Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if they show up for church.
Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too hot.
We will have hearing aids for those who say, "The pastor doesn't talk loud enough." There will be cotton for those who say, "The pastor talks too loud."
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites.
We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
There will be TV dinners available for those who claim they can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who see God in nature, especially on the golf course.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies to create a familiar environment for those who have never seen the church without them.
- The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
- Your receipt for attending mass.
- A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
- Holy Water:
- A liquid whose chemical formula is h2o.
- A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
- Recessional Hymn:
- The last song at mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
- Holy smoke!
- An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
- The original "jaws" story.
- Kyrie Eleison:
- The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
- The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because an HMO didn't cover Joseph. It's the bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
- A medieval torture device still found in catholic churches.
- The ceremonial formation at the beginning of mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant and late parishioners looking for seats.
- The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
- People who have been going to mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
- Ten Commandments:
- The most important top ten list not given by David Letterman.
- The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Isn't it true? We must laugh at ourselves?
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